Seriously. It’s annoying. I’m so f*cking happy these days I’m annoying myself. I’m not used to this shit.
And what’s up with this stupid look on my face? Suddenly, I’m approachable. People say I’m glowing. I want to tell them, “No I’m not. I’m sweating. This is sweat, asswipe.” But I can’t. Instead, I smile and say “thank you” and move on.
Yesterday I dropped my iPhone and headphones into a dirty litter box. Didn’t care.
This morning I went to move my car and there was the meter maid. “Good morning!” I exclaimed as she handed me a $70 ticket.
My accountant told me how much I owed the IRS this year and I said “Cool. Wanna grab an appletini?”
WHO AM I?
I can barely make fun of anyone without feeling bad. I started to tell my friend that his breath smelled like he had been licking a cat’s anus, but instead opted for, “I think you may have halitosis. You should drink more water.”
Is happiness ruining my sense of humor, which is primarily based on cynicism? I fear it might be. Normally I love to watch people eat shit. Especially punk-ass skateboarders. But the other day when I saw a punk-ass skateboarder eat shit, I rolled down my window and said, “Are you okay? I’m CPR certified and you should probably wear a helmet.”
Will I no longer think of Lil Wayne as an absolute genius? Will Kendrick sound like a T-Rex dying?
Will watching a great white shark tear a seal in half suddenly make me cry?
Will I start shopping at the Gap?
Somebody put me out of my misery here!
Am I just going to be happy and annoying all the time now? Will my sarcasm slowly melt away into oblivion? Will I be satisfied laughing at “Two and Half Men?” That shit is not funny.
Will my mouth no longer be able to form some of my favorite words such as pussy, fart, cunt, asshole, slore (slut-whore), queef, douchelord, assclown, anarchy, nipple, boner, nipple-boner, ObamaCare, clit, chode, clit again, skeet, eightball, make it rain and muff-cabbage? What’s going to happen to me??
I blame The Greek and those godforsaken rays of sunshine, Itchy and Scratchy. Damn you for making me happy, you angelic assholes!
Alas, my new mantra shall be, “What would Tywin Lannister do?” That’ll put some goddamn hair on my chest.
Until then, I wish you all unicorns, rainbows and happiness!